Climate Change

Dear Editor,

So, I was thinking that I might flip. I know that I have some loyal readers and I may run the risk of disappointing both of them, but I just may reverse my position on climate change.

It’s not the pictures of polar bears stranded on ice flows (You know that polar bears are great swimmers, right?). It’s not the receding glaciers, or volcanic eruptions. My reconsideration of the climate is based on something much more subtle, more insidious and more personal. And, no one is connecting the dots, or perhaps they are and they are just reluctant to admit the truth. But, nonetheless, it’s glaringly obvious and right under my nose. It’s my lawn.

It’s been a great spring. I’m not sure what I’ve enjoyed most. Cutting the grass every two days, fixing my mower every day, or watching it rain.

I bought this great new mower last August — four-wheel drive, I even thought about throwing a lift kit under it and running some Super Swampers. It cut like a champ. I just loved it. This spring, and I have no proof of this, it was hacked by the Russians. (I knew I shouldn’t have bought a red one.) So, still under warranty, I took it to the manufacture’s designated service center. (I see that smirk on your face). Anyway, they were willing to assess the problem and said they could take a look at it in three or four weeks! Three or four weeks? In three or four weeks Lewis and Clark wouldn’t be able to find my house. So, I ponyed-up 80 bucks for a new part and fixed it myself.

Then, it hit me. The Russians might be colluding with the Capitalists. Think about it — if you’re sold a junk mower, what do you do when it breaks? You can either buy another junk mower or buy a junk part to fix it. What else are you going to do, buy a herd of goats? (I tried that once and wouldn’t recommend it.) You’re stuck and the grass is growing. Obviously a Capitalist plot to make workers suffer. And, who suffers more than some poor slob out cutting grass in the high heat and humidity while once again watching the storm clouds ominously form on the horizon?

Yep, the left-wing might be on to something. But then I begin to think about the inevitable socialist nightmares, you know, Venezuela, Hillary’s voice, Chicago — and then I pause. At least my out-of-control lawn is my own and so is the junk mower. And on the right, I will never be suckered into believing that if I like my mower, I can keep my mower.

Anyone have any goats for sale? How ’bout Lewis and Clark’s email address?

Brett Merryman