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Happy Belated Valentine's Day or simply: More lousy love tips

February 16, 2010 - Taste Buds
Well we sure hope you all had an amazing Valentine’s Day with your loved ones.

We know one person who probably didn’t.

His name is I. Major, M.D. and we were recently lucky enough to receive a review copy of his “daring” literary debut.

“Little White Whys: A Women’s Guide through the Lies Men Tell and Why” is full of sound advice for any woman who is a) extremely naive b) extremely needy c) completely mental d) insanely jealous or e) all of the above.

Of course, none of these characteristics can be applied to either Bud, as we are both very intelligent and well-adjusted individuals. Seriously, Bud Em hasn’t had a restraining order against her for at least a decade! And those stalking charges never stuck. (We think Johnny Cochran said it best when he said ‘If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit!’)

Getting back to the book, this handy reader is over 100 pages of possible dating scenarios, and what the men are thinking in such instances. He also addresses what women should focus on, how to handle first dates, what questions to ask men, what not to fall for, and finally, how to interpret men’s lies.

Gals - the mystery has been solved! Now, we can all know how to act around the superior sex, so as not to upset him or cause any distress. This guy tells us how we can all be more man-pleasin’. Because that’s what we all want, right? To be more man-pleasin’?

He even tells us how long is appropriate to stick around after sex.

Profound! Thank God for Dr. Major!

To think all these years we’ve been relying on our own instincts.

The book is riddled with helpful little proverbs. For example: “If you thought that lightning strikes fast, it is downright turtle-like when compared to the blinding quickness of a “ho-strike!”

He tells us how we should feel about our significant others hanging out in strip clubs:

“We like them, so deal with it.” OK, if you say so, sir! Sorry to bring it up, sir.

He tells us the real answers to some of the tough questions we pitiful and insecure women are prone to asking. For example: Do these jeans make my #<\@>! look fat? Do you think my friend Jamie is hot? Do you love me? What do you like about me? Why are you with me? You think she’s prettier than I am? And last but not least, Do you like fake boobs?

But wait! There’s more!

Each chapter concludes with “a realistic and functional quiz that analyzes the dating world and provided clues to men’s intentions.”

For example: “ You and your husband had an argument last night. You felt bad about it all day and decided to come home from work early to get started on a ‘makeup dinner’ and ready yourself for what you hope will be a night of ‘makeup sex.’ You come home, only to find that your husband has the same idea: makeup sex. Unfortunately for you, he’s in your bed having it with your best girlfriend! What do you do, ladies? What do you do?”

What do you do? Isn’t it obvious?

There are a few choices here.

You make a fire and throw this book on it.

You can collect alimony and laugh all the way to the bank.

OR, you and your friends can just whip up a batch of these delicious Cranberry Coconut Bars from Barb DeNoble of St. Clairsville and sit around making fun of this book!

1 1/2 cup graham cracker crumbs (24 squares)

1/2 cup butter, melted

1 1/2 cups white chocolate chips

1 1/2 cup dried cranberries (can use Craisins)

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 cup flaked coconut

1 cup pecan halves

Combine cracker crumbs and butter. Press into a 13”x9”x2” pan. In bowl, combine remaining ingredients, mix well. Gently spread over crust. Bake at 350 degrees for 25-28 minutes, until edges are golden brown. Cool. Cut into bars. Yield: 3 dozen.

The Buds can be reached at tastebuds@timesleaderonline.com.

 
 

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