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Spiders take note:?Granny on a mission

November 7, 2010
By KAY?SEDGMER, Lifestyles Editor

THE BAT is gone but now the other critters have moved in and I am on a mission to rid this world of SPIDERS!

I hate spiders even more than bats. They are more sneaky than those flying mice. Spiders hide out and wait for you to not look and then they jump on you and eat your arm off! They also have the nerve to hurt those you love.

Let me explain...

I spent another Monday evening battling unwelcome guests.

When I spotted the first spider on the outside of the screen door I didn't think too much of it. He was, of course, huge and furry and very intimidating but I was brave and whacked him with the newspaper I had in my hand. There's nothing better then a dead spider after one of its kin has done harm to one of your own.

After that little chore was completed, in the house I go with great expectations of having a lazy evening of watching "Dancing with the Stars" and sipping on a cup of hot cocoa.

Well, let me tell you, apparently the leader of the animal and insect world has other plans for me. Whoever that king may be has decided that I am the keeper for these pests! I've got news for him. He better stop sending them my way unless he wants his kind to become extinct. I am a woman on a mission and I will be successful!

I found the first house invader in the kitchen sink. I quickly turned on the water and washed his sorry butt down the drain.

Then I decided to take out the trash and as I lifted the bag from the can, I spied an eight-legged arachnid hiding out in the back of the cabinet. He was a little tougher to send back to his creator but I managed to smash him with a dust pan.

That should have been the third and final strike. Right? Wrong!

The fourth murder-minded being was so brazen and bold that I spotted him right in the middle of the floor as he was rubbing his two front legs together in anticipation of having me for dinner. I didn't even scream. I just walked over, gave him the ol' evil eye and squashed him with the toe of my newly-repaired black pumps proving that I wasn't afraid.

I need to back up here a minute and explain to you why I would like to smash the entire population of the spider world.

You see, one apparently got in bed with my little three-year-old granddaughter Maddie Jo sometime between Saturday night and Sunday morning. It had the nerve to bite this precious little girl on the cheek and when she walked into church, I nearly fainted.

Her right eye was black and blue and nearly swollen shut. The cause of this shiner was apparent, a bite mark was on her check, inflamed and painful looking.

The sight of that little sweetheart with such an injury nearly broke my heart. I promised her that I would "punch the next spider that I see right in the nose" and I haven't let her down.

I've been "punching" them left and right since 10:30 a.m. Sunday.

I found my first "victim" as I walked out of the church. It was sunning itself on the cement walk and I squashed him without a second thought.

I didn't see a second spider until Monday morning on my way to work. Needless to say, he is a goner now too.

With the four "bugs" I squashed on Monday evening, I brought the total number of dead spiders to six. Pretty good for a person who would have ran the other way when she saw a spider just a few short days ago. (Warning: There is nothing on the face of this earth like a granny scorned or at least one who will fight to the death to protect her grandbabies!)

So, all you eight-legged predatory arachnid with unsegmented bodies consisting of fused heads and thoraxes and rounded abdomens take note: Granny Kay is on a mission. I will not stop until you are all banished from Maddie Jo's house. I will not stop until you no longer reside at my home. And, don't even think about heading out to Hunter and Hayden's place. I will get you there, too, my pretties.

Sedgmer may be reached at ksedgmer@timesleaderonline.com

 
 

 

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