Week 11: I’ll drive the NFL Fashion Police squad car

I’ve been struggling a bit on how to broach this subject, but I think the best thing is just to throw it out there really fast, like ripping off a Band-Aid. Here goes.

Throwback uniforms.

I’m tap-dancing around this because the throwbacks in question were worn by the Steelers, and I know there are lots of you out there reading this right now thinking, “OK, Miss Browns Fan, don’t be picking on the Steelers.” And I usually try to avoid mentioning Pittsburgh anyway due to my horrible bias, just to keep the peace. But this uniform subject warrants attention. (I mean, how can you NOT give it attention? Legally blind folks could see these striped jerseys.)

And now you’re probably thinking, “What does a Browns fan know about uniforms?” Well that one’s easy. As a Browns fan, I certainly know what unattractive uniforms look like! My team’s colors are orange and brown and they have no logo. What could be more boring or blah than that? I recall one season when the Browns produced bright orange “alternate” jerseys, paired with the neon-glowing bright orange equivalent in pants. (Shudder.) Disaster to the retinas.

If you’re a regular reader, you know of my slightly disjointed admiration for the NFL marketing geniuses who continue to develop ideas to suck more money from powerless fans. Throwback and alternate jerseys fall into that category. Alternate jerseys are one thing, as they are typically modern, albeit sometimes quite obnoxious. Throwbacks, however…. well, most of those just need to be thrown back to the time period from whence they came.

The Steelers were dressed like gigantic bumble bees Sunday night. There’s just no way to sugar coat it. I realize there are some fans who actually like the look (my husband is one of them and even owns the striped jersey), and if that outfit really suits you, I have no issue with that. But I’m over the throwbacks and alternate jerseys for all teams. They’re good for a laugh in pictures, but actually watching a team play in some of these get-ups is just too hard on the eyes. Can we just send these uniforms back to the vault, seal them up and agree to a thorough investigation by the NFL Fashion Police? I’d be happy to spearhead this investigation.

In other news:

– Since when does Bill Belichick care about diplomacy?

Bill “Sunshine and Rainbows” Belichick is taking some heat. He left his star tight end Rob Gronkowski in at the end of a blow out versus the Colts and on an extra point play, Gronkowski broke his forearm. Belichick said that he doesn’t usually pull starters too early because taking one guy out but leaving another one in tells the one still playing he’s not as important as the other guy. “I don’t think that’s really a good way to approach a team. I’ve never done that,” Belichick said. Wow, perhaps, it seems, the Grinch does have a heart, but still two sizes too small.

– The Bears are asking citizens to assist them in locating the freight train that plowed through them Monday night.

Yikes. Bears fans, that was bad. The 49ers lambasted the Bears on Monday night at the hands of 49ers backup QB Colin Kaepernick. San Francisco put the pedal to the metal and scored on its first four possessions, outgaining the Bears 249-35 in the first half, and by all intents and purposes, the game was over at halftime. With the win comes a bit of a QB controversy. Kaepernick played well and Jim Harbaugh has said he’ll go with the “hot hand” at quarterback, whoever that might be. There’s no word on when Alex Smith will return to the lineup but the QB claims that he “feels better.”

– Fantasy football is officially the bane of my existence.

You probably don’t want to take fantasy football advice from me. Five weeks ago, I was in first place in my league, happy as a lark. I’ve lost five in a row, slid out of a playoff spot, and can’t seem to make any of the right moves. Case in point: I carried New England’s defense for weeks, and they repeatedly did nothing for me. So this past weekend, I decided to switch things up, hoping some changes would help. I switched some players in my lineup and also dropped the Pats D in favor of Cincy’s D (as they were in a favorable matchup vs. KC). So what happened? Oh, the Pats defense, of course, scored two interception return TDs and also got a TD on a punt return. Three stinking touchdowns. The week I dropped them. Argh! Willis McGahee owners were also screaming Sunday, as the RB is out 6-8 weeks with an MCL tear. You may wish to consider picking up his replacement Ronnie Hillman, as he should get the bulk of snaps versus a favorable end of season schedule for Denver. On the other hand, you might want to avoid this guy if I’m telling you to snatch him up. Let someone else snag him, so he can then score 3 TDs against you……

This is usually the fun week when everyone is all, “Yay! Football on Thursday!” But, Thursday Night Football is a big ruiner, as it’s soured me on watching boring Thursday games. But still, there is nothing like munching on leftovers right before dozing off during the boring Lions or the equally boring Cowboys games. Sigh, the memories. Anyway, this Turkey Day, we have the Texans at the sinking Lions, the Redskins at the Cowboys — which could be mildly interesting if I’m not in a food coma, and the Pats at the Jets in the night game. If the NFL was hoping to provide a nightcap to energize and wake up Black Friday shoppers, this probably isn’t it. I’ll just read the newspaper inserts instead. Maybe I can find a Black Friday sale on those Tom Brady-endorsed Uggs.

Until next week, Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the games!