NFL Week 14: Dial “M” for mincemeat

If your phone rings, don’t answer it! It’s the Arizona Cardinals calling – they’re looking for a quarterback. Trust me, you do NOT want to take this call.

Oh the hapless Cardinals. Such a promising 4-0 start led to a 9-game (and still counting) collapse. While there are teams with worse records, Arizona is the worst team in football. They didn’t even show up for their game against Seattle on Sunday, evident by the 58-0 drubbing they took at the hands of the Seahawks. Seattle basically made a career day out of the Cards, and Arizona had almost as many turnovers (8) as they had first downs (10). John Skelton appeared completely inept, throwing all willy-nilly across the field and getting picked off 4 times, including one pick-6. He was benched for rookie Ryan Lindley, who did pretty much nothing (although he threw the ball to Cardinals guys, unlike his predecessor, so I guess that’s something).

Quarterback troubles appear to be one of many issues here, as the only player on the team worth anything is Larry Fitzgerald. But he can’t throw the ball to himself.

In a somewhat sad, desperate move, former Titans QB Vince Young tweeted to Fitzgerald that he could “help” the team and for Fitzgerald to “tell coach.” First off, how pitiful is it for an NFL player to beg for a job on Twitter? Second off, no matter how desperate Arizona is for a quarterback, I find it hard to believe they’d be THAT desperate to call in Young. As you may recall from his previous stint in the league, Young has a penchant for melting down mentally. He’s also blown through the $34 million he earned as a player, reportedly by racking up thousands of dollars on numerous occasions at the Cheesecake Factory. How is it humanly possible to eat that much cheesecake in one sitting? Yes, I know they have a bar and food there too but, wow….. lots of cream cheese was harmed by his spending habits.

In other news:

– Good, now maybe we can all shut up about it.

Yesterday, Paul Tagliabue, former NFL commish, announced the suspensions of the players involved in Bounty Gate were vacated. That includes the suspension of the biggest whiner, Jonathan Vilma. He’s still whining though, because his attorney said he still wants to pursue the defamation lawsuit against Roger Goodell to reclaim his reputation. Um, here’s a thought. Get your name off of constant lawsuits and nobody will remember you as “that guy who kept kicking a dead horse.” I mean, can you even name the other three players who received suspensions? No? Exactly! Your suspension is lifted. Zip the lip and move on, please.

– Does the name Kirk Cousins ring a bell?

Well, right now it probably doesn’t, but you might hear it on Sunday. Kirk Cousins is the backup to Redskins star rookie QB Robert Griffin III, who injured his knee on Sunday. Coach Mike Shanahan said it was a low grade sprain (it really looked a whole lot worse, especially in slow motion) and that he didn’t know for sure if RG3 would play Sunday. However, RG3’s teammate, Pierre Garcon, spilled the beans when he said on Tuesday that they had a tougher task with Cousins starting. Someone’s a “liar liar pants on fire” but I guess we’ll have to wait a few more days to find out who.

– Playoff scenarios update

I made my fantasy football league’s playoffs! Woo hoo! If I make it through this week, I face my husband’s team the following week. Let the fur fly in the Hershberger house! In the playoffs that really matter, while the list of scenarios are a mile long and two miles wide, I’ll simplify for you. It’s “win and you’re in” for Baltimore, Indy, San Francisco and Green Bay. Atlanta and Houston can clinch byes with wins and if the moon and stars are aligned just so.

With only three weeks left in the regular season, I’m sort of jumping ahead this week at games that could be potential playoff matchups including Denver-Baltimore, Indianapolis-Houston, NY Giants-Atlanta, Green Bay-Chicago and San Francisco-New England. Wow! Let’s see how many of those turn into 42-14 blowouts (I’m not referring to the Pats pasting of the Texans on Monday Night Football, nope, not at all).

And for you insomniacs, NFL’s Thursday and Monday prime time slates will provide relief. On deck is the riveting Bengals-Eagles matchup Thursday night and the scintillating battle between the NY Jets and the Titans on Monday night. Fluff your pillows and slap on a Breathe Right strip and you’re good to go for prime time!

Until next week, friends, enjoy the games!