Patriotism has changed to Patrianity (pronounced Pa-tree-an-ity) to embellish its new privileged status as the religion of choice in America.

Christianity is still called Christianity. But English speakers outside of the U.S.A. now refer to Christianity (as practiced in the U.S."/>
Patriotism has changed to Patrianity (pronounced Pa-tree-an-ity) to embellish its new privileged status as the religion of choice in America.

Christianity is still called Christianity. But English speakers outside of the U.S.A. now refer to Christianity (as practiced in the U.S."/> Glenn Beck | News, Sports, Jobs - The Times Leader
×

Glenn Beck

Dear?Editor

After watching Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally, I notice the English language has undergone a revolutionary change-a change which reflects a crisis in American culture.

Patriotism has changed to Patrianity (pronounced Pa-tree-an-ity) to embellish its new privileged status as the religion of choice in America.

Christianity is still called Christianity. But English speakers outside of the U.S.A. now refer to Christianity (as practiced in the U.S.A) as Christianism-a word which reflects the subversion of that religion by nationalist demagogues and their puppet masters.

Huh?

Don’t ask questions. Just say your prayers at the Church of St. Abraham Lincoln.

As you pray, remember Glenn Beck’s special words: “America today begins to turn back to God”-words spoken alongside his Abraham Lincoln banner.

Remember also, devout American, to pray exactly as Beck’s followers prayed when Pastor Paul Jayel invoked “the Gospel of Jesus Christ” as the guiding force behind the settlement of America (as he stood onstage next to Native Americans). And take note dear patriot: this history lesson is your new religion.

After you’ve said your prayers to history, take a leap of faith and experience God once more through Sarah Palin. She first reminds you that Abraham Lincoln is “the Great Emancipator,” but goes on to associate this man’s heroic legacy with the “one true God of justice.” Hear the crowd members chanting U.S.A! U.S.A! minutes later.

As your spirit swells with joy, go ahead and embrace the holy crossa cross with the American flag on it-just as one of Beck’s followers did. You’ll become one with history. You’ll feel the blissful sensations of patriotic nirvana and experience the blessings of mind control. Trifecta!

And remember; don’t get angry when a tourist asks you about the differences between Christianism and Christianity. Just tell the man about your divine experience with Abraham Lincoln, his connection to Jesus, and how it all converted you to Patrianity.

He’ll understand all too well, trust me.

Alfonse Battistelli

Columbus

Newsletter

Today's breaking news and more in your inbox

I'm interested in (please check all that apply)
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *

Starting at $4.73/week.

Subscribe Today