Dear Editor,

I’ve been watching American Ninja Warrior from my lair on the sofa. Soft drink in hand and a bowl of chips handy, I’m inspired by the athletic prowess of these beautiful people. As most Americans, I’ve let myself go, falling prey to a fast food lifestyle and poor diet like most. This show has the ability to invigorate our spirit, push us to new levels and gives us that motivation that stirs up something deep inside that fires up our soul.

A commercial came on, so I decided to give this old man a shot. I grabbed my cell phone, after I put down that bowl of ice cream, and launched myself from the sofa. I cleared four steps to the kitchen in a single bound. Three amazing leaps and I was through the kitchen. Down the hallway I shot like a gazelle and slid into the bathroom, while all the time watching that timer on my phone. I used the toilet in record time, sprinted to the sink for a quick washing and off as I went back down the hall at blinding speed.

I think I could have made it back to the sofa in less than one minute if I hadn’t stopped at the fridge and grabbed that Hostess Ho Ho as I passed through the kitchen. The commercial for Taco Bell was just ending as I leaped to my designated spot on the couch! My hands were shaking and my breathing intense, but I somehow cracked open that Ho Ho before I fell into a deep coma!

Please, all you “warriors” out there, don’t try this at home. I was foolish and just did it on a whim. I could have fallen and smashed that Ho Ho or, even worse, been stranded from the fridge for hours. I learned my lesson and won’t try that again. Let the young be young, and don’t watch shows on television that can excite your “ninja spirit”. Go buy some Ensure and enjoy what time we have left!

Rich Lucas

Flushing