Letters to the Editor

Deer are really bad this year

Dear Editor,

If you know what a woman is and you are one, you might want to just skip over this letter and read the next one. You are welcome to read it, but you are not going to find anything here that you don't already know. It is intended for men.

So, gentlemen, it's that time of year again when we throw the clutter off of our hibernating lawnmower, drag it to the driveway, and proceed to jerk on the pull-cord until we are the verge of fainting.

Eventually, if you're lucky, and after saturating the combustion chamber with some cobweb encrusted can of starting fluid that you found lying on the floor of the garage from last year, the engine sputters to life in a cloud of gray smoke.

We can then progress to grinding into oblivion all the rocks, sticks and neighbor kid's toys that winter has hidden in our overgrown grass.

Once done we can wheel that mower back to its resting place with a feeling of pride and accomplishment.

Unfortunately, sometime shortly after that, we are confronted with a question that has plagued our existence since the invention of the mowing scythe.

"Honey, what happened to the peonies?"

Be very careful.

This is a trap, not a question.

She already knows what happened to the peonies, and you know what happened to the peonies. And, you know that she knows what happened to the peonies.

Your best bet at this point is to say something ridiculous and evasive.

This should come easy because we are, after all, men.

I generally say something like, "I've heard that the deer are really bad this year."

This is not a lie.

It's a big planet and somewhere, somehow, somebody has to be having a problem with deer.

This, of course, is met with an icy stare of incredulity.

It's important to remember that you are not really trying to win with logic; you're trying to weasel out of admitting the whole truth.

So, while she stands there speechless and appalled with your ludicrous third grade level response, it's time for your exit.

Move quickly and to a safe distance.

So, there you have it.

I hope you guys have benefited from my sage advice. Probably not.

And ladies, you can't say that you were not forewarned.

What's with that icy stare?

Brett Merryman

Bellaire