By KATHLEEN 

O’CONNOR

Happy fall time, everyone.

I thought with all the craziness going on in our country lately that a little humor would be in order.

“The Old Days”

Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.

“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”

The little boy was amazed and sat silently for a minute. Finally he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”

“Three Senior Pals”

Three seniors are out for a stroll.

One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”

Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”

The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

“Hearing Better Now”

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

“Hospital Regulations”

Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.

One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.

When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.

But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.

In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.

“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”

“Write It Down”

A couple in their 90s are both having some short term memory loss.

While in for a checkup, the physician says that physically they’re OK, but since they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Later that evening they’re sitting and reading, when the husband gets up.

“Would you like anything from the kitchen?” he asks.

“Some vanilla ice cream,” his wife replies.

“OK.”

“Shouldn’t you write it down so you don’t forget it?” she asks.

“Don’t worry, I won’t forget.”

“Well,” she says. “A few raspberries on top would be great. You want to write that down?”

“I’ve got it, honey. A bowl of vanilla ice cream with raspberries on top.”

“And chocolate sauce, too. Maybe you’ll forget that. Want me to write it down for you?”

A little miffed, he replies, “I’ve got it! Ice cream, raspberries and chocolate sauce. I don’t need it written down, for gosh sakes!”

He waddles out to the the kitchen. A half hour later, he comes back with a plate of ham and scrambled eggs and gives it to his wife.

She stares at the plate a few seconds, then says, “You forgot my toast.”

“The Game”

On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats.

The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired, and he told the lawyer he only wanted to sleep.

But the lawyer insisted the game was a lot of fun.

“Here’s how it works,” he said. “I’ll ask you a question. If you can’t come up with the answer, you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me one. But if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”

The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep. So he agreed to play.

The first question from the lawyer was “How far apart are the earth and the moon?”

The senior stayed completely silent, reached for a dollar, and gave it to the lawyer. Then he said, “My turn. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?”

The lawyer was stumped. He thought and thought. He tried to remember all the riddles he knew. He searched every corner of his brain.

He even cheated and asked the flight attendants and other passengers.

Finally he gave up. He woke up the older man and gave him a twenty. The senior stuffed the twenty in his coat and went immediately back to sleep.

The lawyer couldn’t stand it. He woke up the older man and said, “I have to know. What walks upstairs backward and comes downstairs forward?

The senior took out his wallet, gave the lawyer a dollar, and went back to sleep.

Whirlwind Romance

At the 60th high school reunion, Max and Judy, a widow and widower, were seated at the same table. They hadn’t dated each other back in school, but they remembered each others’ names.

They had a fun night talking, dancing, and sharing life stories.

The final dance was a slow song: Elvis’ “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.” Max was overcome with emotion, mustered up his courage, and asked Judy to marry him.

Her eyes lit up and she said yes.

The next morning, Max was a little foggy. Did he ask Judy to marry him, or did he dream it? And did she say yes, or no?

So he summoned up his courage and called her.

He explained his predicament, and asked Judy if he had asked her to marry him, and if so what her answer was.

Judy said yes, he had asked her to marry him. And that her answer had been yes. And her answer was still yes!

And she was so grateful for his call. Because when she woke up this morning she couldn’t remember who had asked her.

“You never know what you’re going to get, and children have their own personalities immediately. I was watching little kids on a carousel, some kids were jumping on the horses, some kids were afraid of the horses, and some kids were betting on the horses.”

– Rita Rudner

Cute Quotes By Kids

“I’m not rushing into being in love. Fourth grade is hard enough.”

– Regina, Age 10

“My 3-year-old just told me she’s a ninja. I told her she’s not very good because I can see her. She said, ‘Only because I want you to.’ Now I’m scared.”

– Ruminations.com

Quotes About Grandparents

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”

– Sam Levenson

“There’s nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in heredity.”

– Doug Larson

“I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have — if only for self-defense.”

– Gene Perret

“The simplest toy, which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.”

– Sam Levenson

Quotes About Aging

“Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.”

– Tom Stoppard

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

– George Burns

“I’m too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.”

– Kinky Friedman

“I’m so old that when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front.”

– Henny Youngman

MOVER’CISE

Open Exercise Classes

Shadyside — Community Room on Tuesdays at 11:30 a.m.

Bridgeport — Family Life Fellowship on Tuesdays at 2 p.m.

St. Clairsville — Recreation Center on Wednesdays at 10:30 a.m.

For more information call Kathleen O’Connor 304-280-1567

O’Connor has a degree in gerontology from West Liberty University, a bachelor of science degree and a master’s degree in organizational leadership.